leave the worried look
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i guess i need to take my aim name off of myspace.
getting messages from twenty-one year old boys that are enamored with me isn't as fun as it might sound.
i live for thursday nights.
well, that and making dinner every other night of the week.
life is interesting.
but mostly hilarious.
Current Mood: amused
sometimes you want nothing more than to climb into bed with someone familiar.
Current Mood: comfortable
i guess i thought that telling him that secret (the secret to end all secrets) would change him somehow.
would change us?
when i think about it now, it's just stupid.
like most of the things i think, i guess.
it's still getting drunk.
and hey, maybe that's all it will ever be.
and i guess i'm pretty okay with that.
Current Mood: alright
the other night, we were lying there on his bed, in the dark, talking.
all of a sudden i was exhausted, a little bit of everything was getting to me, and it came out of nowhere.
he told me roll over and lay with my back facing him, and he moved close and slid his arm around my waist.
i said, 'how did you know?'
and he said, 'because that's all you ever want.'
and i guess i've been thinking about that ever since.
Current Mood: impatient
Current Music: kanye west featuring john mayer- bittersweet poetry
this past week i've been feeling like a zombie.
i can't stop thinking about how selfish people are.
i don't want to talk to anyone.
i've spent a lot of time crying.
and drinking more than i should.
and watching the last ten minutes of the series finale of six feet under over and over.
we've been grilling out every night.
i keep looking for, and not finding, a refrigerator on craigslist.
i was so excited about the weather being nice, and now that it is, i can't even appreciate it.
i start my esthetician training on tuesday, and i'm not looking forward to it at all. i'm dreading it, actually.
i haven't been depressed in so long that i honestly forgot how awful it feels.
Current Mood: still heartbroken
so we've had our dog for almost a year.
we found her running down the highway about to get hit by multiple cars that were going 70 mph.
dan pulled a u-turn, drove the wrong way down the road, risking our lives, jumped out of the car, and ran down the road, in the rain, and when he came back, he plopped this fat, panting, wet, matted, burr-covered, smelly, nasty dog on my lap while i sat in the driver's seat of my car, confused.
after a day or two we fell in love with her and decided to keep her, even though we would have to sacrifice our good food for her kibble.
we took her to the vet (who said she needed to lose a lot of weight to be healthy), got her groomed (to get the matted fur off of her which was creating painful sores on her skin), bought her a nice bed, and toys that we couldn't really afford.
she became our baby.
then today, out of nowhere, at three this afternoon, some woman was walking past our house, asked to see her (panda was in the doorway barking this woman's dogs) and claimed that she was her parents' dog that ran away.
we told her to give us some time, we would keep her overnight and try and figure out what was going on, and she said, 'i understand, that's fine, i'm not trying to take your dog away from you, i know that she's part of your family now.'
well, a couple of hours later, at around eight, the cops (friends of the family) came, called the dog ugly and said they didn't know why anyone would want it so we should just give it back, accused us of stealing the dog out of the trailer park where the couple lived, told us we were too young to do anything about the situation, ran dan's name through the system and asked him if he would like to be arrested and have a record for stolen property... and took our dog away.
the dog that we've cared for and loved for almost a year.
when dan leaves for work every morning, she gets upset because he's gone, and then she comes and snuggles up to me in the bed, and falls asleep with me under the covers, and i just have to deal with the fact that that will never happen again?
i miss her so much, already.
i don't know what i'm doing to do.
i've never missed someone as much as i miss this dog.
we were only trying to do the right thing when we rescued her and took care of her and took her in.
how is this fair?
Current Mood: heartbroken
you think you have it all figured out, and then, a week later, you don't know much of anything.
and maybe that's how it will always be.
in less than a week i have my interview for the next cosmetology school i plan to attend. yes, i'm going back. after the first round, i feel both crazy and prepared for doing it all over again. i start at the end of april. after seven months, i'll be an esthetician.
that, i know.
it's funny how my career path is now the easy part.
it's also funny how the words 'my' and 'career' look next to each other.
so, i have something tying me here for the next eight months or so. after that, i don't know. i wish i could say i have something tying me here beyond that, but in reality, i never really know.
when i had someone pleading with me to stay home at night, i would leave for better company, car rides out to nowhere, sitting in parking lots until four in the morning, short-sighted plans that no one had any means to or intention of following through.
now that i have someone asking me to leave i stay here.
if there's a time when i'm not confused, it's rare.
i'm ready to be an adult and i'm ready to go back to being a teenager all at the same time.
somehow it always ends up on me.
somehow i always let it end up on me.
and i'm not sure that will ever change.
Current Location: the kitchen table.
Current Music: the food network.
i guess some people change in the end by being with someone you, at one point, knew that they wouldn't even give a second look to.
and maybe, if you talked to him, he'd say, 'i go for good souls. a sparkling personality. an amazing sense of humor. looks don't really matter to me.'
when you know that what he used to do was sleep with girls that were knockouts. girls with the perfect shade of lipstick for their skintone. girls with heels that looked so good on her feet that he made her leave them on while they fucked.
and maybe i really don't understand anyone. or anything. and i know i shouldn't even be awake right now.
i can't count the amount of times i've been told that i'm my own worst enemy.
and i guess it's probably true.
i'm made to feel irrational and hard to get along with so often, that i start to believe it's true.
and i guess that's probably true, too.
when my grandmother was alive, she had a kitschy plaque on the wall of her trailer, and it said, 'lord, give me the serenity to accept the things i can’t change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'
and i didn't understand what that meant when i was younger, but i understand it now.
watching old home movies the other night with my sister made me realize that most things are different, but some things will always be the same.
it also made me realize that i miss my grandmother. she's been gone for so long, and sometimes i don't think about her at all for months at a time. how terrible is that?
if i ever have a daughter, i think i'll name her pelagia.
i need the courage to change the things i can.
Current Location: dan's bedroom.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: ben folds- give judy my notice
Dan got an incredible job working at a real, live, actual design firm in Valparaiso.
It's so close to home, but they do the kind of work, and have the kind of studio that it could be located in Chicago.
Dan is going to fit in so well. He's so good at what he does, and I'm so glad he'll finally be able to work to his potential (and be challenged, because he wants that) and be appreciated for it. He's been waiting for something like this to come along since he graduated. Not to mention he'll be listening to good music, and wearing whatever he wants, and waking up an hour later than he's used to (because the travel time is so short). Oh, and they have an office pet, a dog named Hunter.
It really couldn't be a more perfect situation.
I'm so proud of him.
While we're not at all on the subject, someone needs to start a band and write the music and lyrics for ten songs (or so, i'm flexible and easy to work with) and then hire me to play keyboard, and sing back-up vox (see, I already have the lingo down.) I can even help with writing the lyrics, oh, and I can definitely mess around on the keys and probably come up with some parts on my own. I can also provide a guarantee that we'll have quite the fan base of thirteen through nineteen year old males attending our shows (think of the expendable income!) as I will be following a strict policy of short-skirts-only while on stage.
I think it's high time I join a band.
Current Location: Dan's bedroom.
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: The Dandy Warhols- Everyone is Totally Insane
This comes up every year, doesn't it? And it's like the only one of these things I ever do.
Really though, I just wanted to post something to let everyone know I'm still alive.
I didn't do so well, huh?
Well, as long as I'm updating, I'll actually update.
Several drastic haircuts, around twenty colors, what seemed like a million (but was actually closer to a thousand) marks for services performed, 1500 hours, ten months of waking up before seven in the morning, a lot of heartaches and headaches and drama and tears, quite a few really good female friends, three amazing instructors, so much fun, and more knowledge than I could ever have imagined later, I graduated from cosmetology school less than a month ago. It was the hardest and most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. And I don't think anyone can quite understand unless they've been through it. I thought it would be a joke before I started, but I understand now why 'beauty school dropout' is a common phrase.
I will be attending esthetician school shortly.
For now, I've returned to my nocturnal lifestyle.
Dan and I are still together, and still in love.
And for the big announcement...
we have a baby now.
She's a dog that we found running down the highway about to be killed by seventy mile per hour traffic. We named her Panda Bear. A picture of her (and her dad) can be found here.
Were you a little scared that we actually produced offspring?
Live Journal might not exist by the time we make that announcement. Haha.
I turn twenty-four in a week.
I think that's all I have for now.
Current Location: Dan's bedroom.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Levi Weaver- Which Drink